One wonders, (so pseud to say ‘one’ as opposed to ‘I’) if one is really one or instead a composite of many pieces.
For a long time now, a part of me has been feeling neglected. For lack of better words, I would call her the stronger side of me. The side that has all the empathy, gentleness, patience and silence that the clever, quick and capable-of-calculating one does not.
And I miss her.
Sometimes, I wonder what I’ve become. If I have the courage I profess to have and want. I wonder if I might not be guilty of murder.
Today, I was sitting at home, nursing a bad back, feeling sorry for myself when I heard a side of me I seem to have long forgotten. A voice that asked me what the hell I’m doing. Why I do take-aways of ‘cafe nirvana’ and yet sit in MMTS stations doing the crossword instead.
When was the last time I really sang, talked to myself, stayed quiet and let the voices talk instead of complain that they’re haunting me?
When was the last time I took a walk and just walked?
Why do I run from things that I know would calm me down?
Why do I belive that it displays a lack of ambition to do something that would make me happy?
Why do I not just let myself live as I should?
Why do I believe that to let the ‘soft’ side out would be to just invite the world to trample?
Yes, yes the spiked shoes still hurt even a year after they last tread. And I for some reason believe that it’s not right to admit it.
Yes, I want to really give this all up and do something that needs more softness and empathy than cleverness and words.
Yes, I should not be doing this. I should not be silencing the voices that mean the most just because they refuse to conform to what I want to hear.
Is it the lifestyle that I’m addicted to? Is it the cafe nirvana? Is it the sense of importance? The flaunting of cost-cutting rainbow flower?
Why is it that it’s simpler to be dark and dismal than cheerful and nice?
Why don’t I have the two hours it takes to take a walk and sing?
I don’t know.
And I’m upset. I feel off balance. I’m upset.
But I’m expecting things to be better this week. I’ll go back to the place that soothes me the most and maybe, just maybe some things will make sense…