My Dear Little One,
You are a fighter. And you know you are. I know it’s that oversized heart of yours that gets you into trouble sometimes; pushing you into things that your head doesn’t think are right. Yet it is that big bruisable heart where all your strength lies. It’s that heart that makes you want to give people a chance. That keeps you from being a cynic despite seeing all the mediocrity around you. You know and I know that it’s having a heart that keeps you bonded to your family, to relatives who come in all shapes and sizes, that makes you want to help those who hurt you and generally be a better person than many others you know.
I know that it’s your heart that hurts now. All through it’s own fault, and knowing that makes it hurt more. For doing some things for family. For giving people chances that they do not deserve or earn. For holding people in higher esteem than they deserve, for baring your soul to strangers in shiny shoes, for listening when the other said nothing, for saying so the other might have something to hear, for hoping despite odds, for dreaming dreams for those who clearly did not deserve to feature in them. It’s that heart that made you willing to re-think career plans. That made you re-think your way of life. That made you believe for a few misguided moments that you could live a lifetime with someone your family believed was right for you.
It’s that heart that causes all that trouble. Can you live with that?
Somehow, the alternative seems frightening to me now. What would you become if you let go of the softness and the hope? Harsh, cynical, critical, bitter at the age of 24? When I see you today, what you have been for the last five weeks, I don’t like it. I see the signs of you starting to lose that optimism that drives your heart and I feel terrible to see you that way. I would rather see you sad, heartbroken, taking more blame than you deserve and seeing more good in people than there actually is than this way… The girl quite a woman succumbing to blame games.
Yes, he treated you terribly. Yes, he doesn’t deserve half the chances you got. Yes, leaving code that needs to be delivered and decking up for a cup of coffee with a stranger instead is a terrible waste of time. Yes, you deserve better than someone who notices the superfluous, who doesn’t have the courtesy to call, who cares more for the image he projects to grown ups than how he treats the girl he’s contemplating marrying. Yes, you saw more potential in him than he can ever imagine by himself. Yes he’s not the man he could be. But what’s more important is the man he is and the man he wants to be.
Tell your sad little heart that despite everything that was done to it, it was what it was called upoon to be. Know that in allowing yourself to be hurt, you have shown greater strength than you could have ever shown otherwise. It’s this pain that makes you a better person. You know now that despite all that you see, all that you hear and all that you’re subjected to, you can see the best that can be.
That my love, is strength.
I know you will smile once again. And I see that you are. You deserve someone who makes you smile, who makes you feel like a princess, who can make you laugh, who can make your eyes dance who can bring out the best you can be. Because nowhere will he find someone who already sees the best that he is.
I will not say it’s his loss. But I will say that it is your gain that you escaped a permanently bruised heart.
ps: a bit of this post is for the perfectionist who helped me find the strength to blog again and not think about who’s reading. thank you.