Yes. I was being a bit (possibly extrememly) juvenile. Proclaiming to the world at large that I have “issues” by closing all blogs.
But it was and still is a much needed break. The last few weeks have probably been the darkest of my life so far. Because I believed myself incapable of smiling let alone rejoicing at the joys of someone who I once deeply cared for and even loved. I found myself wondering when my turn would come. I found myself analyzing the lives of people around me; people I love who I believed were happier than me. And I found myself turning hostile towards the people I would do anything for in the blink of an eye. I found myself building the walls again and keeping everyone out. Even innocent bystanders who hope for some entertainment on a well written (hopefully) blog expecting no more and no less than a daily dose of timepass. And I found myself struggling to remember who I am and what I stand for.
And in these weeks, I have stood firm in wanting to be alone. Alone to figure out some things. And alone to bewilder over this side of me I discovered.
I wonder if I am making any sense.
I realized that I don’t feel 24 anymore. Many times I feel older. And sometimes I feel younger. And that is what bothers me. Can you be old enough to understand more than someone way older than you can’t? Or is it just plain stupid? And if you do think the same as them, does that mean you can’t be 24 and invincible (credit to bhai for that phrase) anymore?
Somewhere deep within, I feel sad. Sadness is not the right word. Sadness is way to expressive and doesn’t go deep enough. Sadness is an emotion. No, what I am in is a state of mind. Meloncholy. That’s the word I am looking for. And it’s driving me over the edge.
Do I feel lighter for having said it aloud? No. Not really. I just feel a tad pathetic.
I feel tired, old and burdened.
And I feel lost.