Ever since this semester began, I have been trying to figure out what I really want to do. Last semester, being the first was full of adjusting, finding my bearings, recruiting, falling behind, catching up, surviving the roommate not from earth or heaven, and just generally trying to adapt.
This year is different. I know how much effort it takes to get a good grade on an assignment. I know that an A+ is worth the same GPA as an A. I know that it takes exactly 4 minutes to walk to the bus stop on a clear, warm day and 14 when its snowing. I know the milk needs 1:40 in the microwave and the toaster needs to be set at 2.5. I know how to cook, how often to vacuum, how to accumulate quarters through the week to get the laundry done on weekends, which aisles to avoide in the grocery store and I even know how to store cilantro (corriander) so it stays fresh for two weeks. And I know the best ways to get my homework done between calls at tech support.
But almost a month into the new semester, I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with myself. Should I keep myself more busy than I am? Or should I use this time to relax and spend some time with myself? I’ve been oscillating and vacillating. Unable to make a decision. There are so many things I could do at last! I could play that new keyboard, I could sing, get religious, read, read some more, watch movies, write blogs, work out, learn to eat healthy, spend time with the naked (sorry, nude) sculptures at the art museum… The list is endless. But at the other end of the spectrum, I could find another job, get involved in a project, learn some more, make the best of being in a good school, build my resume and generally do “the right thing to do” in an economy like this one.
I just can’t make up my mind!
When I pause to think, though, I wish the pause could last just a little longer. I wish I could get just those few minutes more of sleep. I wish I could indulge my husband by cooking him all his favourite things just this once when he drives down those 200 miles. I wish I could just spend a little time more being myself. A little time enjoying the silence (broken in this house by jarring noises from the neighbour’s house). A little time to recover from the emotional roller coaster of the last few years. A little time to discover for myself what I really like and what I want to do. I want to spend time being a wife, a friend, a musician, a walker, a snow lover, a reader, a writer, a chef, a housewife… I want to spend some time listening to myself, letting myself recover, not think about the state of the economy, watch movies and browse through the rows of dvd’s and books at the library…
When I pause, I realize, I already know what I want to do this semester. And then I realize, I somehow feel compelled to justify myself. And now I wonder why it is so guilt inducing if for once we want to think of ourselves. Why is it that the things we do become more important than who we are? Why are resumes, money, time and other people so much more valuable than us and our own thoughts?
Somehow, we seem to live in a world where everything is about us and the ME. Everything is about making ourselves feel better, indulgence and self gratification. Everything is about us except of course, ourselves…